Coach Speak For The Media

This was in our local paper, the Hendersonville Times News last week from sports writer Jeremy Trantham.

I really like the one about "that one call" it is pretty funny.




A significant portion of a sports writer's job is to ask obvious, boring
questions. Coaches and players, in turn, give obvious and boring responses. Rare is the coach not well versed in the language of cliché.

This dance isn't bad -- usually. It's just the way these things work.

With the spring season prep playoffs upon us, you, dear readers, are about to swim in a sea of coach-speak. Lest you drown, here's a handy translation guide.*

What is said: "We didn't execute very well today."

What is meant: The mind of a 15-, 16-, 17-, 18-year old is too cluttered to get a bunt down.

What is said: "We came out flat today."

What is meant: It was mystery-meat Tuesday in the cafeteria. You do the math.

What is said: "If I could figure that one out I could retire a rich man."

What is meant: I wish I could figure that one out. The 'fulfillment' from shaping young minds isn't worth the long hours and low pay. I mean, would you rather have a villa in Tuscany or spend all day with teenagers?

WIS: "That one call didn't decide the game."

WIM: That one call decided the game. If I say otherwise I'll be fined and we already had to pay those blind fools to officiate the game. No way am I letting them cost me any more money.

WIS: "That's a good team we beat."

WIM: Even though its record says otherwise.

WIS: "We lost to the better team."

WIM: It's a shame coaches aren't allowed to recruit in high school.

WIS: "You know in (baseball, basketball, football, bocce ball) things like that happen. Sometimes the ball bounces your way and sometimes it doesn't."

WIM: It didn't bounce our way. We're ordering new balls tomorrow. Also, the refs were terrible.

WIS: "We have some talent this year, but all the talent in the world doesn't matter if you don't work hard."

WIM: So, yeah, we should win a state title.

WIS: "We've had a good year, but the playoffs are a whole new season. You've got to play well every game from here on out or you're going home."

WIM: We have a chance to advance really far and I'm not going to jinx it.

WIS: "We didn't get the conference title we wanted, but we're really playing well going into the playoffs. We can make some noise."

WIM: We can win some games depending on how things shake out. A state title would be a miracle equal to the 1980 USA hockey team winning the gold. Some good officiating would help.

WIS: "It is what it is."

WIM: The terrible officiating didn't help.

WIS: "He knows what he did was wrong and why it can't happen again. We're handling the matter internally."

WIM: That kid is running until he collapses. Or the world ends. Whichever comes first.

What is said: "We've just got to take things one day at a time and keep improving."

What is meant: The next day's time is going to be spent in intense practice.

What is said: "We've got to get back to basics and work on the fundamentals."

What is meant: This season is going nowhere fast.

What is said: "We're just happy to be in the playoffs."

What is meant: Ever notice how the only people who say 'It's a honor just to be nominated' actually won. We aren't just happy to be here.

WIS: "You have to adjust to how the game is being called."

WIM: Really, those guys in the striped shirts are morons. I really wish I could say something on the record.

Don't worry coach, you already did.

*All translations were totally fabricated.



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For Fun Only

With the playoffs in full swing I'm sure we will be reading some like this in papers all across the state. When you see one place it here and give us your personal interpretation. Keep it clean and funny. Let's try not to let it offend any of us and just have fun with this to heal the pain when our teams get knocked out of the playoffs. And please don't trash any players by name.